Wonder

The song "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant really struck me after becoming the mother of two NAIT babies. Doctors wondered what was wrong with Jay to have caused him so many problems. Medically, scientifically speaking, he should not be alive today, nor should he be whole. In honor of my son's fourth birthday and the fact that his struggles allowed his brother, Samuel, to fight his way into this world, I give you the song, Wonder. Attached is the link to the video where Natalie explains the origin of the song, and as she says, many mothers and other people have taken this song on as their own, because it means something to me. This song means very much to me, and as I am sure, other NAIT mothers.....those who weren't so blessed to have their babies survive and those who are living with the affects that NAIT has left upon them. Happy 4th Birthday, my sweet Jay. Without you, we wouldn't be who we are today as a family.



"Wonder"

Doctors have come from distant cities
Just to see me
Stand over my bed
Disbelieving what they're seeing

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

Newspapers ask intimate questions
Want confessions
They reach into my head
To steal the glory of my story

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

People see me
I'm a challenge to your balance
I'm over your heads
How I confound you and astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as you can see you can offer me
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

The Perfect Lemonade Recipe

I had an epiphany this morning at 4 am when my husband and I were awoken by our dogs barking. I have no clue what made me make this connection, but I felt compelled to share it with my readers and I would have done so at 4 am, except, frankly, that's absurd.

I was thinking about my whole saying, "When God gives you lemons, make lemonade," but what about when the lemons you get aren't perfect? When you think of making homemade lemonade, you picture beautiful, yellow lemons full of juice, perfect for a hot, summer day. But what if your lemons are small, bruised, not very juicy and a little hard? What do you do then?

No matter what, in our life, we can't always have perfect lemons for our lemonade. At the times that our lemons are perfect, it takes very little effort to make good lemonade. We take those lemons for granted. We don't think about the time in making the lemonade, because our ingredients made it so easy. We don't have to add much sugar or water or mix it for very long, because the lemons were awesome.

But with less than perfect lemons, it's harder to get perfect lemonade. You have to really squeeze the lemons to get out all of their juicy potential, then you have to add a lot of sugary love to your lemon juice. Next you have to pour in a lot of water, which represents your time, and you really have to stir it up, which represents your energy and patience. You may feel extremely exhausted when you are finished making the lemonade from your less than perfect lemons, but when you taste it, you realize that all of your love, time, patience and energy were worth it, because it's the best lemonade you ever made. You also realize it was never about the lemons or the end product, it was about the journey and the process of making it that you remember, and that is what really helps you appreciate just how perfect your imperfect lemons really were. You just didn't see it at the time.

My epiphany made me realize that to some, my lemons may have always seemed perfect, but they never really were. I just had to work extra hard with them. I've had to realize that, too. Nothing is ever truly perfect. A lot of times, we just have to keep working with what we have and we have to roll with it. Hope this helps you, too.

Happy Mother's Day!

I sometimes sit and wonder how exactly I was blessed to have the two healthy children I have. Before I had kids, I just expected that having children would be easy for me. From what I could tell, you got married, tried, got pregnant and nine months later, had a healthy baby. My biggest fear before having children was, "What if I can't get pregnant?" Then, when I saw those two pink lines on the stick, the new fears entered, "What if I have a miscarriage?" After those weeks ticked by, another fear, "What if they see something is wrong with my baby?" When those tests all came back normal, I felt like I could just cruise through the rest of my pregnancy. The only fears I really had were, "What if I have to have a c-section?" and "What if I can't breastfeed?" The thought of, "What if my baby dies?" never entered my mind.

Well, for the record, I didn't breastfeed either one of my children for more than a couple of weeks and secondly, I had a c-section with both of them. And both of their lives hung precariously in the balance; with Jay, I was clueless, and with Samuel, I was acutely aware.

On the eve of Mother's Day, I remember all the mothers, some who are personal friends of mine, whose babies were taken too soon. These women are some of the strongest and most loving, nurturing people I've ever known. Their role as a mother is far tougher than mine, for they are mothers to angels. Even though I have much joy and love in my heart for the babies that I was blessed to carry and am blessed to love each day, my heart is also heavy for my friends that have lost their precious ones. So to all of my mommy friends who love their babies up in Heaven, I love you all and I send many hugs and blessings to you on your special day and I know that your little angels are so glad that God made you their mommy. Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers out there!! Hug your little ones extra hard today!!

Happy Birthday to Samuel!!

Samuel just turned one last Saturday, April 23rd!! He also had his Baptism on Easter Sunday. We decided to do a tri-fecta: First Birthday, Easter and Holy Baptism all rolled into one!! Samuel didn't really care to hang out at his birthday party!! He slept pretty much the whole time!! He's a busy guy - trying to figure out how to walk. He likes to just cruise, but he can stand up by himself!! No steps forward, yet, though. He's a scaredy cat like Jay was!!

I can't believe an entire year has gone by. It made me think - you never know what a year will bring, but then again, you never know what a day could bring.

Recently, a fellow classmate was killed in Afghanistan. He was only 35. I was cuddling with Jay and saying prayers and just smelling his sweet little boy smell, I started thinking, "If God told me I only had 32 more years with you, what would I do?"

I find that my struggles as a mother are that I feel like I don't have enough time or enough patience to just enjoy my kids and enjoy the moments that are so sweet. I can hardly remember everything that happened this past year because I was so busy, taking care of Samuel, teaching and doing course work for school.

This year, I'm making a new resolution: I'm going to stop and enjoy my kids and enjoy those quiet moments. When Samuel celebrates his second birthday, I want to know that I really cherished those days and weeks with both him and Jay. I vow to take more pictures, capture more cute Samuel-isms and Jay-isms on video, because these sweet days are just passing us by!! Jay will be starting pre-school in the Fall and then will be in Kindergarten!! Where did my sweet, chunky baby go?

I think it's natural that we wish our lives away: only this many days till Christmas, this many days till Spring Break, this many days till Summer. I'm going to try not wish my life away......

NAIT - Neonatal Alloimmune Thrombocytopenia

The video that I have worked on since I found out I was pregnant with Samuel, and yes, he is in there, too!! Please watch this, post it on your Facebook, your Twitter, WHATEVER!! Please help us spread the word!! WE MUST STOP NAIT!!!!!

This Time A Year Ago.....

This time a year ago, I had gone to the doctor with Jeff to find out what the sex of our baby was and whether he was healthy thus far.

This time a year ago, I found out that I would be the mother of another beautiful boy.

This time a year ago, I saw a beautifully shaped little guy with very healthy insides. This time a year ago, I faced the unknown of twice weekly treatments, scary steroids and the fear that none of it would work.

This time a year ago, I ordered stockings for "Mommy" and "Daddy" to join our stocking we had for "Jay." This time a year ago, I longed for that fourth stocking that would read "Samuel."

And how quickly the year has passed.

So much has happened since this time a year ago.

My body has completely healed from the brutal Hell of treatments. I really am in the best shape of my life (a vow I made to myself after what all I put myself through.)

Jay is such an amazing child, talking in complex and crazy sentences, trying to read already!

Samuel is a beautiful, 8 month old little wonder, busy trying to crawl, laughing at everything and the absolute joy of my life.

And my mantle is complete with that fourth stocking, that reads "Samuel."

I don't know what next year will bring, but what I do know, is that I have all my boys home for Christmas. What a blessing a year can be!!

Driving...By Yourself.....with Two Kids.....from South Texas.....

So changing my melancholy reflections to funnier thoughts.....

Last week, after everyone left our house on Thanksgiving, Jeff and I loaded up our boys and drove down to South Texas to his aunt and uncle's ranch. When we left our house, it was a balmy eighty degrees. After the four hour drive, it was a windy, chilly low fourty-something degrees and drizzling!!

Everyone was at the ranch for deer hunting and hanging out. It turns out that small children don't do very well in the cold and with lots of people. By the following afternoon, Samuel was very cranky and acting like he was getting sick (he just got over an Upper Respiratory Infection the week before.) So I told Jeff he could catch a ride back with his mom and dad the next day, but that I had two capable hands, the Thomas the Train and Friends DVD, a Navigation system and carseats, so we were going to roll. That was at 2:45, when it was very sunny and seemed like a good idea.

Within an hour of driving, my back was aching and Thomas was rolling for the second time. It started to not feel like such a good idea!! I had to pee within only twenty minutes of leaving, Jay was in his regular underwear, but I was determined we were NOT going to stop unless Jay couldn't stand it anymore. My bladder aint what she used to be, especially after an appendectomy and two c-sections, but I can be extremely bull-headed.

We had been on the road for about two hours when Jay finally told me he needed to pee. I had two choices: just pull over on the side of 77 and let him do his business (we were in the middle of nowhere), or try to get to a town and go in a gas station or something like that. I chose just to pull over and let him go in the grass. The way I saw it, I was by myself with two kids that weigh over 20 lbs a piece and no stroller, and again - BY MYSELF. After Jay did his business, I got him buckled back in. Samuel was still smiling and happy. I looked at him with such pity and said, "Oh Buddy, you're happy now. You'll hate me in about an hour."

By the time we made it to Halletsville, it was getting dark. We'd been on the road for roughly three hours. I still had to pee like no man's business, but at that point, my bladder was so full, I was pretty much numb to all feeling, my blood pressure was at the boiling point and I was racing against the sun. Samuel started his first of about five meltdowns.

He had a bottle before we had left the ranch and had been changed right before we left, but at that point, who KNEW what had began to brew in his pants and the poor kid was probably hungry. Thomas was on about his fifth round of being on the DVD player - seriously, best damn invention for a parent's car. Yeah, yeah - to all of you that aren't parents yet - I said it, too. "I'll NEVER let my kids watch TV in the car." Famous last words. Never say never, okay? Oh, and after you have one kid, you realize a little TV, sugar, chicken nuggets, McDonald's, etc. WON'T kill them. Hell, we all turned out okay. But then again, that's not saying much.

Anyhow, the navigation system had me staying on 77 pretty much the entire trip. So when I got to Schulenburg, i made the executive decision to get on I-10 and start busting it out to get us HOME!! I was beginning to feel delirious. George Carlin is the narrator for Thomas and Friends and I was VERY over listening to him narrate about how Thomas was stuck, and he was ANGRY. George Carlin is much better as Rufus in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Samuel was on about Meltdown #10 when I unlocked the gate. Our neighbors, Tony and Nancy, were at my house, feeding my dogs and checking on things when we drove up. Jay never had a meltdown....until we got home. Thankfully, T-Man and Nancy helped me get the boys inside. Poor Samuel had the biggest poop in his pants, but when he realized that I wasn't the meanest woman in the world and had simply been driving him back home to his cozy, warm house, he looked at me like, 'Okay, Mom. If you just get this huge mess out of my pants, give me some food, draw me a nice hot bath and put me in my bed; you and me are square.'

Driving by yourself for a long distance with multiple children is definitely not fun. I wouldn't recommend it as a recreational activity. However, as I go through my days of parenting young children, I realize I am pretty tough, I can handle a lot, and that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. Suffice it to say, both boys slept in (very atypical,) and I was oh so happy to sleep in my nice, warm bed after a hot shower as well. AND I refuse to watch Thomas and Friends for a good while, at the very least.