Did you ever wonder?

I saw this today on one of my NAIT friend's facebook page. It's about the mothers of preemies. For me, I just edited it, and put NAIT in for preemie. Most NAIT moms are also moms to preemies. I was blessed that my little Samuel was only preemie by three weeks, but many of us have babies much earlier. This made me tear up, especially about the part of taking nothing for granted....nothing. Enjoy! And if you know a mom of a preemie or a special needs child, give her a hug......

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.

As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
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"Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.

Marjorie Forrest, daughter.Patron Saint, Celia.

Carrie Rutledge, twins. Patron Saint ... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity.

"Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie.

"The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God.

"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.

I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.

You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.

She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that.
This one is perfect.She has just the right amount of selfishness.

"The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.

She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word.

She will never consider a step ordinary.

When her child says 'mama' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.

I will permit her to see clearly the things I see ignorance, cruelty, prejudice and allow her to rise above them.

She will never be alone.

I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Oh, and a little update on Samuel and Jay!!

I guess I should tell everyone a little bit about the little boys I'm raising!! They are so awesome and I just love them to pieces!! Jay is doing great. He's really working hard at potty training and we are doing well with everything #1, but still having a tough time with numero dos. Poor baby.

He is also super excited because daddy bought him a new bunk bed!! It has a full size bed on the bottom and a twin on top!! We are redecorating his room, because a lot of his stuff was pretty hodge-podge. It's going to be like an old fish camp. Jay LOVES fishing and always wants Jeff to take him to the lake. So it should be a big hit!!

Samuel is awesome. He turned ten weeks yesterday and at the pediatrician, he weighed 12 lbs 7 oz!! A big guy, though not as big as Jay was at that age (14 lbs 7 oz!!) What can I say? My boys can eat!! Samuel is also a great sleeper. He sleeps through the night already (started that at 7 weeks). He will sometimes still wake up for a bottle, usually around 3:30 or 4:00, drink it and then back down until 8 or 9 o' clock. But latelet, it's been all night, like from 8 until 7 am. We definitely can't complain about sleep in this house.

He is also smiling a lot and loves to coo at his daddy and Nanny's daughters, Jenny and Brittney. I don't know what is up with my boys and Nanny's girls, but both of my boys are just in love with them!! (Jenny is 17 and Brittney is 20!)

Jay just adores his brother. He will talk to him in the morning while I am changing Sam's diaper and say, "Hey buddy!! Whatcha doing? Did you have a good sleep? You're my baby brother!!" It's the most precious thing in the world to see how much he loves him. I hope that they grow up being good friends and really being close.

I honestly can say that my boys are my universe, Jeff included. :)

Has it really been ten weeks?

How is it that ten weeks with a newborn pass so much quicker than ten weeks of IVIG treatments? Maybe because during the IVIG, you are getting poked relentlessly with IV needles? Seriously. I will never do that again!! Well, never say never, but on July 30th, we are making the move to permanently addressing our future fertility. Hmmmm....how do I feel about that?

People still tell us we should go for a girl, granted, these are generally people that really don't know us that well and still equate our experience with something like Rh factor. Gee, if only a couple of shots could've made things better....and actually kept his counts high. I digress.

I'm really okay with not having anymore children. Today, at my best friend's daughter's first birthday party, her cousin's wife said to me, "Oh, you had another boy." And I lovingly looked down at my little Samuel and said, "Oh, yes, another little boy," and she said, "Oh, well, that's okay," and my best friend jumped in and said, "Sarah WANTED another boy,"......thanks, Amanda, by the way.....

Truth be told, I didn't give a sh** WHAT I had, as long as the baby was healthy and didn't have a bleed, I just wanted a BABY. A CHILD. It didn't matter to me what the baby looked like or anything, just a healthy baby.

When we were contemplating even having another child, I felt such a sense of guilt and like I was being so selfish....pushing my luck, asking the Lord for something wonderful when I already had one miracle, I already had a "something wonderful," how dare I ask Him for just one more? When mothers come to our support group looking for answers after they've lost their child to a massive brain bleed, I find myself moved to tears at how lucky and blessed I am. I don't take my children for granted, ever. I would lie if I said that I didn't get frustrated when one refuses to go down to sleep or the other is whining so loud, it sounds like a siren that just won't shut up!! But I'm only human!! These things can drive anyone to drink!! But I don't take them for granted, because I know how close we came to walking away with nothing.

So, no. I'm not sad that we are making our fertility history. It's fine. We are a complete family. The moment I heard Samuel crying, I knew I was okay with calling it quits. The Lord may not have given me any girls to care for personally, but He gave me five beautiful nieces to love as well as my two little princes. God is good. All the time.

I know that every little life is a miracle. But when you've mentally and physically pushed yourself to the edge, there's just something a little different about that little miracle. Damn. You just cherish it all the more.