How is it that ten weeks with a newborn pass so much quicker than ten weeks of IVIG treatments? Maybe because during the IVIG, you are getting poked relentlessly with IV needles? Seriously. I will never do that again!! Well, never say never, but on July 30th, we are making the move to permanently addressing our future fertility. Hmmmm....how do I feel about that?
People still tell us we should go for a girl, granted, these are generally people that really don't know us that well and still equate our experience with something like Rh factor. Gee, if only a couple of shots could've made things better....and actually kept his counts high. I digress.
I'm really okay with not having anymore children. Today, at my best friend's daughter's first birthday party, her cousin's wife said to me, "Oh, you had another boy." And I lovingly looked down at my little Samuel and said, "Oh, yes, another little boy," and she said, "Oh, well, that's okay," and my best friend jumped in and said, "Sarah WANTED another boy,"......thanks, Amanda, by the way.....
Truth be told, I didn't give a sh** WHAT I had, as long as the baby was healthy and didn't have a bleed, I just wanted a BABY. A CHILD. It didn't matter to me what the baby looked like or anything, just a healthy baby.
When we were contemplating even having another child, I felt such a sense of guilt and like I was being so selfish....pushing my luck, asking the Lord for something wonderful when I already had one miracle, I already had a "something wonderful," how dare I ask Him for just one more? When mothers come to our support group looking for answers after they've lost their child to a massive brain bleed, I find myself moved to tears at how lucky and blessed I am. I don't take my children for granted, ever. I would lie if I said that I didn't get frustrated when one refuses to go down to sleep or the other is whining so loud, it sounds like a siren that just won't shut up!! But I'm only human!! These things can drive anyone to drink!! But I don't take them for granted, because I know how close we came to walking away with nothing.
So, no. I'm not sad that we are making our fertility history. It's fine. We are a complete family. The moment I heard Samuel crying, I knew I was okay with calling it quits. The Lord may not have given me any girls to care for personally, but He gave me five beautiful nieces to love as well as my two little princes. God is good. All the time.
I know that every little life is a miracle. But when you've mentally and physically pushed yourself to the edge, there's just something a little different about that little miracle. Damn. You just cherish it all the more.
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I couldn't agree more with this post. Everything that you have written has gone on in my mind multiple times throughout the last couple of years. We called it quits after our second miracle too for all the same reasons. I really identify with you when you said that as soon as you heard him cry, you knew you were done. I too had the exact same experience except that Jocelyn didn't cry immediately, she just had time to gasp for air before she was rushed out the doors and the feeling I had when I realized that I didn't even get to see her or hear that cry made me know that I didn't want to go through that again. No one will understand completely your situation but many can sympathize. You will make the right choice and feel good about it.
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