Helicopter Parent...Are You One?

This evening, someone shared a recent article about colleges claiming that helicopter parenting has gotten very out of hand for some college students and their families and they have a new title for these matured "helicopter parents." They are now called "Snow Plow Parents!" The article discussed the issues that students and their parents face when these kids head off to college. Parents have been known to call professors to dispute grades, RA's to resolve roommate issues, even going so far as to installing tracking devices unbeknownst to their children to see where they are going and what they are doing at all hours. It sounds insane, because it is!! Not too long ago, though, these now so-called Snow Plow parents were the typical Helicopter parent that many of us know, or, even though we are loathe to admit, may be ourselves. It's no secret that the generations that are coming up are very different from generations before them, as technology and availability of resources have abounded. But this article hit me on two levels. First off, as a parent and secondly, as an educator. I am a teacher myself. I am also a graduate student working on my Master's Degree in Counseling. I originally stated an opinion on my personal social media page, but decided I wanted to delve a little deeper. Am I a Helicopter Parent? Are you? And if we are, what can we do to stop it? How can we make sure that we are raising our children to stand on their own two feet? Let's look at some key areas where parents are likely to freak out and how to handle it appropriately, I will focus a large amount on school. Public schools or private schools, it seems that educators are constantly under fire from society. There seem to be constant things to monitor with our children from the lunches they eat, the test they take, the friends they play with or don't play with, their grades, their development, etc. So what do you do when they have a missing assignment? What do you do when they get in trouble? A lot? What about when they aren't chosen for the school play or the talent show? What about when they don't make the team or the elite squad? What is really advocating for your child and what is being an over the top, not preparing your child for reality, helicopter parent about to inherit plowing equipment? Let's see. Case #1: Your child gets a conduct mark. It is OKAY to find out from the teacher exactly what went down IF your child cannot tell you what they did wrong. This is pretty typical in younger kids. If it seems to be a wild accusation or the mark came completely out of the blue, it is definitely alright for you to check in with the teacher to see what happened and how you can help. Notice, how you can help. Not how you can get that little blemish erased from your baby's conduct record. Look. Every kid, I don't care how perfect and wonderful you THINK they are, they can each have a bad day. Maybe the teacher caught them in a lie, and maybe your baby didn't mean for it to be a lie, but the kid lied. So take it. Let your kid take it. Your kid may be sad and cry. Hey, give a consequence at home to really make it meaningful. But don't tell the teacher, 'My baby would never!' Um, yes, your baby would and your baby did, so deal with it. This sends a great message to your child. It tells your child that you understand what happened, you understand your child made a mistake and that both you and your child's teacher are on the same page of helping your child learn a lesson so that your child doesn't do that again. Case #2: Your child is always in trouble. Come on. You know your kid. Instead of attacking the teacher and accusing that the teacher is taking it all out on your baby, problem solve! Are there different places your baby can sit? Does he need to be moved to a different group? If he or she is easily distracted, are there manipulatives or things your child can play with to keep him or herself from distracting others yet still able to stay on task. Trust me. Your teacher doesn't want your kid to be in trouble all the time. But I'd be lying if I said that an overly attacking or accusing parent doesn't change our attitude. Case #3: You looked up grades and GASP!! Your baby has a missing assignment or a ZERO!! First, talk to your child. Think about attendance. Was your child out recently for a doctor's appointment or an illness? Chances are, your child has the assignment rotting away in their backpack. Don't just assume that it's in the daily folder. Kids never put things where they are supposed to be. If your child is clueless, email the teacher or make a phone call. Give the teacher 24 hours to respond. It could simply be the assignment has only been taught to one group but the assignment is in all the gradebooks because honestly, it's easier to create assignments for all classes and fill in as they are taught. If the teacher doesn't get back to you, phone and schedule a conference. Then find out what happened. If your child has a zero, find out what they can do to get it done. If your child is older, like fourth grade up, your child should be included on the conference. The responsibility is ultimately your child's. It is not yours. If your child still does not get it completed, then they have to live with that grade and whatever consequences come of that choice. I would rather my kid sit out on the big game than have his lights turned off or his car repossessed. Just saying. Case #4: Your child failed a TEST!! (Or they got a B, and to you, this is a failure.) As kids get older, they become more attuned to grades, especially if they are very type A and always used to being perfect. Your kid may be super bummed they got a B. They may even cry. Find out what was on the test from your kid. Was it over a certain lesson? A culmination of various topics? Chances are, your kiddo just missed a couple of questions and that's it. Or it could honestly be that your child just did not know the material for whatever reason. In all my time in schools, I was never tested on something I had never been taught at some point in my life. For example, main idea. Main idea is taught a bazillion times in a bazillion ways between the ages of Kindergarten and Senior Year. Main idea is main idea is main idea. If your kid struggled with it before, they may still be struggling with it. Don't assume the teacher is wretched and horrid. Again, schedule a conference if your child is truly upset, and include the child. Sit down with the teacher and find out what happened. If your kiddo doesn't understand the material, find out if the teacher can tutor or if there are things you can do at home to reinforce the skill. This teaches your child SO much!! First, you did listen and you wanted to help, but by including your child, you are modeling the skills your child needs to approach his or her superior when they don't know what happened or how they messed up, whether it was a test or a paper. And you also teach them to accept failure. And that the world will still turn even if they got a C instead of an A. Case #5: Your Kid Doesn't Make the Cut There will always be someone faster, smarter, better, prettier, more popular. If your child doesn't make the team or the elite squad or whatever, again, failure happens. It is not your kids fault. It is not the coach's fault. It is not your fault. Your kid didn't make it. If they really want to make it, they can keep working on their skills and practicing and try again later. And maybe they won't make it again. Let your kid decide what to do. And let them know it's ALL good. Your kid doesn't have to be the end all be all of Football. Your kid just has to be happy and honestly, how you handle the rejection will help him know how to handle the rejection. I could go on and on and on with many instances of what can happen. I've been through some with my own kids. I've been through all of it as a person. And I am a great person because my parents supported me, but they allowed me to get through life's disappointments with guidance from them, not them controlling everything for me. My mom wrote in my baby book that she wanted her kids to have two things in life: Roots and Wings. Roots to never forget where you came from and Wings so that you can fly on your own. But please, I beg you. Don't bad mouth your child's school, your child's teacher, the district your child goes to, the university, the coach or the team. It is so hard sometimes to be a teacher and to read all the terrible things that people say about those of us in education. We do not do what we do for money or fame. We do it because it is our passion and our calling. We try to be good role models for your kids. To hold them to higher standards and high expectations because life is going to hold them accountable for everything and you are not going to be able to save them from all the tragedy or failure that WILL happen. And it WILL happen. Life is not a fairytale. Bad things happen that are beyond our control and how will your baby handle that if you have always been able to swoop in and save him, berate that "stupid teacher" and stand up for your baby and all of a sudden, you can't swoop in when their marriage fails, or they lose their house, or their child is born and things didn't go like they should or they become a widow at a young age. How will your baby cope? And what would you have taught him? It is so much more than swooping in at school or checking their social media pages. It's more than being a Helicopter or a Snowplow. It is the character and the backbone you are molding for your child. If you know that you are a Helicopter, admit it and start taking the steps to change. Your child will be SO thankful that you did. Blessings.

Allow me to explain.......

I will never live a day without thinking about NAIT. Ever. I will always look at my kids and think about what could have been. There are many reasons for that. The main reason is because the fear and worry you lived with for so long never really goes away. It stays etched in your heart and your brain forever. You never live in a Pollyanna State ever again. Another reason I'll never forget is because I still play a huge role in the NAIT community, whether it's working with naitbabies or giving plasma for ProfNAIT, or just offering support to other NAIT moms. I'm never far removed from our little circle. I see constant reminders of what could have easily happened to my children. I wonder why it didn't. I really was never a tough person until we were struck with NAIT. Some people may say I'm crazy to still think about it, to still question things. But it never goes away. It just doesn't. It makes you harder. And yet, more sensitive, more vulnerable. More protective. A few years ago, my oldest child's behaviors were being questioned. Was he "normal,". I will never be able to explain my reactions to the questions. I look back now and realize I was irrational, but yet I still remember the fear that gripped me. It was like being back in that sterile hospital room in 2007 hearing something was wrong with my baby. My world was shattered in that moment. I had to fight like hell to have another baby and I thought that once we survived that, I could survive anything. But when my child was being questioned again, my hard, tough outer shell I had learned to build crumbled again. And I was that scared mom, crying alone at night while my baby was hooked to tubes far away from me, with no answers, no explanations. I will always be a little like that. A turtle. This hard tough exterior with a squishy inside. Just the right amount of pressure and I will crack and I will be a mess. A NAIT mom last night talked about how she's coming up to her son's first birthday and how painful it is. He bled. He survived, but he's no longer "perfect." It hurts her. She talked about her brave face she wears for her family and friends. She knows she's blessed that he's here and he survived, but it still hurts. She longs for another child, she wants more children in her family and yet she is frozen with fear. I know those feelings. Sometimes I felt like I was dying a little at a time on the inside when I told my kids' stories. And while I'm okay to an extent now, it will never really go away. And I know my kids aren't perfect and that they may be a little quirky or crazy, and I try really hard to not be a helicopter mom and I try not to make them perfect by living vicariously through them. Most mothers are neurotic by nature, but it's worse when things didn't go like they should have. So yeah. Those are my ruminations on my life as a NAIT mom. I'll always point my kids out to you, tell you how cute and smart they are. You'll probably think I believe my kids are so bad ass. And you'd be right. I do! They are my perfect, goofy, quirky little children that should have had different fates. Everyday I feel like I witness a miracle. So try not to judge me or them too hard. I'm never too detached from those scared feelings. The scab is there, but if you pick, I will still bleed.

Fight Like Hell

Very recently, a Dear Friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is in her early 40's, married to a wonderful man, and has four children ranging from the ages of 6 to 18. She is busy, she is a writer, a mom, a teacher, and a dear, dear friend. Everything she does is GOOD. Everything. She and her husband have taken on many things in their lives that others would deem to be just too challenging. My friend has a heart that is so big, so loving. Why her? Why does someone good have to be given such a low blow when she has already had to climb many, many mountains and trudge through very deep valleys? Right now, she's in that point where she's mad as Hell. And who can blame her? A diagnosis of Cancer!! With such a beautiful family!! And the unanswered questions.....what will this do to her? To her family? To their finances? To her precious life? But the mad is good. You have to be mad as Hell in order to FIGHT LIKE HELL!!! If you've ever been given news that threatens life, there is no other way to explain how you feel. It's like the stages of grief. You go through Shock and Denial: NO!! This isn't possible!! NOT ME!! WHY ME?!!!! Then you go through Pain and Guilt: How will this affect my family? Why didn't I do more? Say more? How selfish I was! I didn't appreciate everything enough! Then comes Anger and Bargaining: you're mad as hell........THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!! Please, God!! If you take this away, if you make me normal, I promise to.......... Then comes the Lonesliness, the Depression and the Reflection period: nobody gets this. Well maybe they do, but I don't know who has really been through this. Even if they went through this, it's not the same. I feel so alone. I feel so weird. The good news is, after the depression goes away, you start going through the Upward Turn. You feel like maybe you can face this. You start planning and reconstructing your mind and your life. You get your plan in place for treating whatever is threatening the life at stake and you push forward. And then you start to Accept what's been dealt to you. You have Hope. Usually the hope comes through connecting with others who have or are currently going through what you are. And you fight for yourself and you fight for others!! You root for them!! You pray for the ones that are still too angry to pray!!!! And somehow you come through the other side. The other side......it seems so far away when you are stuck in the first few stages. You feel like you will never get there. But when you do, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....what a feeling. It's a neat place to be. For one thing, you beat whatever was plaguing you. And you can be an enormous amount of comfort to someone beginning their journey, whether it's the same as yours or something you can relate to. I truly believe God gives us what we can handle. Doesn't mean we don't get upset with Him for thinking we can handle so much. It's a bit of a backhanded compliment. 'You're strong! Here you go!' But man, when you DO make it through to the flip side, it's pretty empowering. It's pretty amazing. You sit there and think, 'Wow, I did that! I beat that! We beat that!' So right now, Dear Sweet Friend of mine......you're mad as Hell.......that's good......means you're gonna fight like Hell, too....... You're too angry to pray. So I'm there praying for you. I love you. God loves you. And so do many others. We'll ALL keep up the prayer for you.

Moving On

Have you ever had something occur in your life that struck you so hard, you felt like you would never be able to move on from it? Like the event or the memory is just so strong, you can't let it go? I think everyone has times like this in their life, and at some point, you just have to move on. But moving on can be so extremely difficult, sometimes even painful, and even more so, you wonder what you'll do once you let it go!!

There will always be parts of me that want to overthink, overanalyze or worry, whether it is over finances, my relationships, my career, my kids........

......but what good has worrying or perseverating about something ever done for anyone? I find that by letting go of negative energy and thoughts, I am weighed down so much less. Who cares what people think, really? As judgement from others is simply a part of life that none of us can truly escape, therefore worrying about what others think of you or your family is really just silly. Worrying if I am good at my job is just stupid because the overwhelmingly obvious answer is YES, I am great at my job!! My relationships, I have learned over the years, are something that I always have to work at, whether it be to make them stronger, or place boundaries for those that tend to overstep. It's like managing a garden. You have to give some plants more love and care, and others, you need to cut back or they will grow wildly and become very annoying. And as far as my kids, well, kids are kids. I've learned that while they reflect on me, they are not extensions of me. They are their own person. My greatest job for them is to be there to help them grow and mature, aiding them and guiding them when they come to bumps in the road, helping them get over hurdles in life when their personalities or faults are hindering them. They will ultimately be who they are, and I am always excited to remember that not that long ago, the thought of even having more than one child was merely a pipedream.

I guess for my New Year's Resolution, I am all about Moving On. I'm tired of worrying and weighing my brain down with the demands and opinions of others, and even the demands and opinions I hold myself. It's all about freeing yourself up, giving yourself a better outlook and realizing that your truth, your joy and your happiness are YOURS and that you shouldn't hold on to things that are negative that take away from your truth, joy or happiness.

Be Blessed!!

Before the Morning

I listen to KSBJ, our local Christian radio station every day on the way to work and on the way home. It's amazing how I will turn it on and hear a message through the different songs that are played or from the radio show hosts. This morning, this song came on the radio and I was completely blown away, as I am by many of their songs.

This song is by Josh Wilson and is called Before the Morning. I'm going to attach the video from youtube as well and the lyrics so you can read them and feel the message that is being sent.

We all bare so many of our own personal crosses in this life. While some people may appear to have it all going for them and it seems that life just always works out for them, we can't see the pain and suffering they have been or are going through, and we certainly can't predict their pain to come. But we all go through something tough at one time or another. I think what separates the victims from the victors are those who have God in their lives. Those who know that the Lord, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit have their arms wrapped around us and help us through those trials and tribulations. We don't know why we have to go through them, but perhaps it IS indeed to find the light on the other side of that darkness.

The Lord has really worked through some of my close friends and touched me so much recently. I hope that I can continue to grow in my spiritual journey with Him and touch others as well. In His love I fell rejuvinated and whole and I know that no matter what darkness may befall me, my friends or my family. He will continue to see me through it as He has always done. Blessings to all my friends!!

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning



And here is the story behind the song.......BELIEVE!!!!

Josh Wilson’s new single is called “Before The Morning”. It’s a really special song! Here’s what it’s all about…
“Before the Morning” is a song about hope. It’s inspired by my dear friends, Tim and Paula Beal. 5 months into their pregnancy, Tim and Paula went to the doctor to find out if their baby was a boy or a girl. The doctor told them he was a boy, and then he went on to tell them that there were only 2 valves in his heart (instead of 4), and his kidneys and lungs were not functioning. He said that their only option was abortion. Because of the depth of his complications, no doctor would touch Jayken because he could never survive the dialysis machine during heart surgery. The Beals were also told that due to the extent of the problems, they would soon be digging their way into a financial pit that would ruin their marriage.



Tim and Paula went home and prayed. They fasted. They asked everyone they knew to pray and fast with them. They knew they needed to trust in the Lord, because he was the One that “knit me together in my mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:13).



On January 11th, 2002, Jayken was born. The doctors said he had a 2% chance of living longer than four days. By the grace of God, Jayken is now seven years old. After three heart surgeries, many sleepless nights, and countless financial struggles, the Beals are still believing a day at a time in a Savior who won’t let them go. They are learning what it means to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5).



Tim told me that “the odds have never been in Jayken’s favor, but God is so faithful.” The Beals are living proof that no matter what our circumstances are, God can work anything out for our good and His glory.



This album is entitled “Life Is Not A Snapshot.” If you took a snapshot of a particular moment in the Beal’s life, it might look like there isn’t a lot of hope for them. But sickness and struggles are not the end of the story for those who know Jesus. We believe in a God who saves. We believe in a God who heals. At the end of every email I receive from Tim, he writes “fighting the fight until I see His face.”



We believe in the Bigger Picture.



No matter what you may be struggling with, know that “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Romans 8:18). Our pain and struggles are very real, but they are only the dark before the morning.



This song is for Jayken David. His name means “Victory through grace for God’s beloved.”

Wonder

The song "Wonder" by Natalie Merchant really struck me after becoming the mother of two NAIT babies. Doctors wondered what was wrong with Jay to have caused him so many problems. Medically, scientifically speaking, he should not be alive today, nor should he be whole. In honor of my son's fourth birthday and the fact that his struggles allowed his brother, Samuel, to fight his way into this world, I give you the song, Wonder. Attached is the link to the video where Natalie explains the origin of the song, and as she says, many mothers and other people have taken this song on as their own, because it means something to me. This song means very much to me, and as I am sure, other NAIT mothers.....those who weren't so blessed to have their babies survive and those who are living with the affects that NAIT has left upon them. Happy 4th Birthday, my sweet Jay. Without you, we wouldn't be who we are today as a family.



"Wonder"

Doctors have come from distant cities
Just to see me
Stand over my bed
Disbelieving what they're seeing

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

Newspapers ask intimate questions
Want confessions
They reach into my head
To steal the glory of my story

They say I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

People see me
I'm a challenge to your balance
I'm over your heads
How I confound you and astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
Of god's own creation
And as far as you can see you can offer me
No explanation

O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as she came to my mother
Know this child will not suffer
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way

The Perfect Lemonade Recipe

I had an epiphany this morning at 4 am when my husband and I were awoken by our dogs barking. I have no clue what made me make this connection, but I felt compelled to share it with my readers and I would have done so at 4 am, except, frankly, that's absurd.

I was thinking about my whole saying, "When God gives you lemons, make lemonade," but what about when the lemons you get aren't perfect? When you think of making homemade lemonade, you picture beautiful, yellow lemons full of juice, perfect for a hot, summer day. But what if your lemons are small, bruised, not very juicy and a little hard? What do you do then?

No matter what, in our life, we can't always have perfect lemons for our lemonade. At the times that our lemons are perfect, it takes very little effort to make good lemonade. We take those lemons for granted. We don't think about the time in making the lemonade, because our ingredients made it so easy. We don't have to add much sugar or water or mix it for very long, because the lemons were awesome.

But with less than perfect lemons, it's harder to get perfect lemonade. You have to really squeeze the lemons to get out all of their juicy potential, then you have to add a lot of sugary love to your lemon juice. Next you have to pour in a lot of water, which represents your time, and you really have to stir it up, which represents your energy and patience. You may feel extremely exhausted when you are finished making the lemonade from your less than perfect lemons, but when you taste it, you realize that all of your love, time, patience and energy were worth it, because it's the best lemonade you ever made. You also realize it was never about the lemons or the end product, it was about the journey and the process of making it that you remember, and that is what really helps you appreciate just how perfect your imperfect lemons really were. You just didn't see it at the time.

My epiphany made me realize that to some, my lemons may have always seemed perfect, but they never really were. I just had to work extra hard with them. I've had to realize that, too. Nothing is ever truly perfect. A lot of times, we just have to keep working with what we have and we have to roll with it. Hope this helps you, too.